Seeking Joy in 2019

It’s 2019, I live in Bismarck North Dakota, I’m studying theology, and I’m apparently starting a blog? I have no idea what I am doing, but this is just where I will be posting my thoughts on things such as Catholicism, difficulties I run into, and the immense beauty of God and His creations. I’m a huge theology nerd and will probably implement a lot of what I am studying into my writings. I want to take what I’m learning and implement it into daily living. However, I in no way feel that I am in a position to be able to write blog posts and try to offer formation on this kind of platform. But I do want to practice my writing and communication skills, and Grace offered this idea and I figured it could be fun, and maybe even offer some sort of encouragement for others along the way. If I say something super weird, let me know! I would really love to receive any constructive criticism you may have for me about my writings or topics 🙂 

So let’s be real. 2018 was a pretty messy year for me. At this time last year, I was in a pretty crappy place with my mental health. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for quite a few years now, and I was at one of my low points last New Years Eve. Every year I ask God for one word that He wants me to focus on for the coming year, and I knew without a doubt that He chose the word Hope for me for 2018. I hadn’t really thought much about Hope, or the fact that I was losing it until He placed this word on my heart. As a Catholic with depression, my spiritual life became incredibly confusing for me. I knew my faith, and I knew that I can place my Hope in God. Yet somehow I couldn’t help myself from feeling completely and utterly hopeless at the same time. This dissonance in my spiritual life caused a lot of heartache, pain, and shame. At the start of the year I began a daily devotional centered on Hope and prayed daily for this word to manifest itself in my life. Through a long process, which I will probably write about in a later post, I decided to attend the University of Mary and pursue a degree in Theology (with a double minor in Catholic Studies and Communication – emphasis on Media Production). Beginning my degree at this school sent me on a very intense search for God. I learned so much about myself, about God, and about the Church than ever before. I was stretched beyond what I thought were my limits, I was stripped of so much of what I found my identity in before, and I was forced to lean on God and God alone. I will be honest, it was a very messy, difficult, and painful process, but He planted a seed of Hope in me throughout all of this. And it grew and grew with each passing day. This was the kind of Hope that I had been so desperate for because of my mental health. It’s a kind of Hope that I didn’t realize even existed. It’s the kind of Hope that keeps me going even in my low points or when I fall back into my depression. It’s much deeper and stronger than my messy and confusing emotions. And it came from knowing God, knowing His purpose for me, and learning to have complete trust in Him and only Him. This in no way makes dealing with my mental health easy, it is still extremely difficult, and something that I am sure I will have to work through for a very long time. This newfound hope just helps me to realize that when I am in a low point, it is only momentary. It will eventually pass, and even when it doesn’t feel that way, I can continue to tell myself this fact and pray for the grace to trust that God will pull me out of whatever deep valley I am in.

As I neared the end of my semester and reflected on the past few months, it was very apparent that the past year was really tough. There was a lot of suffering, but a whole lot of grace as well. Before I even had time to think about it, God revealed my word for 2019: Joy. When God placed this word in my heart, I began to cry. Tears of Joy, of course! A huge struggle that I have is knowing God’s love for me. I was especially struggling with this for the past couple months. The word Joy for me is one way that God wants me to let Him love me, and also a new way in which He wants me to love Him. Now I’m not just talking about happiness. Happiness is circumstantial and constantly changing. I’m talking about deep rooted, unchanging, resilient Joy. Joy that comes from knowing who I truly am in the eyes of God. It’s seeing myself as God sees me. It’s living a life in Jesus Christ, and what that truly means. This type of Joy is not something that should be, or even can be, contained. It shines through us to others, spreading the light of Christ to them. This is what I want to focus on for 2019, and I’d encourage all of you to as well. Sometimes the suffering that we endure with Christ makes us forget the incredible Joy that He has gifted us. 

Happy New Year and God Bless!

Kelsey