One Year

It seems like such a significant amount of time. And it is…until it’s not. Amid grief, time becomes a tricky thing. Anyone who’s experienced it can tell you that. There’s a blink that occurs, a blink of time between the moment you lose the person you love, and the 365 days after. It’s one blink. And then it’s gone.

While she was still her, I sat and wrote these words for her. My hope was that she would hear them as she breathed, but she ended up hearing them in heaven. I don’t think there was a better time and place. At her funeral, many heard them, but those who have read them have been touched by this amazing understanding of the kind of person she truly was. An understanding I can’t explain, but one that I think needs to be shared.

First though, is something I’ve held dear to my heart for almost this entire year. A number of our family took a vacation to Seattle and Vancouver two years ago, and I intended to make a video of the experience, like I had for trips previously. I never got around to it.

The night after her funeral, I couldn’t sleep, and all I wanted was to see her. So, I did. I created this way to remember her in just a few hours, and sat with it for hours after. It broke me in a whole different way than losing her did. But the healing it gave me is something I’ve only shared with my family, and a close number of people. I wasn’t sure when, if ever, there was going to be a time to share it with others, but now seems like the right time to do so. I know that so many people loved her in an enormous way, and that this video has already done something for those people that I can’t explain.

To My Mom,

Only God knows how I came to have you. You are extraordinary – in every single way a person could possibly be. You give, even when there seems to be little left to give. You forgive, even when it isn’t fair. And you love, harder than anyone I’ve ever known. You love even the loveless, and it’s never ceased to amaze. All our lives you’ve encouraged us to look at others through God’s eyes. To avoid nasty words and hateful comments, and to spread kindness to even those who aren’t kind to us. We failed sometimes—sometimes often. But you were there to set us straight, and to be a constant example. Now we’ll hold each other accountable, and hopefully make you proud with our words and actions.

There have been miles of rough roads, for me and for sisters whom I’m sure can agree. But you’ve been there through each and every turn. You are a beaming star in a sky that’s sometimes too dark. You have such a selfless heart, it radiates the word “good”. Because you are good, all the way through. You put others ahead, you take an extra step to make someone smile, and you’re patient when it seems impossible.

When I talk about my mom I do so with a feverish pride. Dad has been my hero, and you have been my best friend. My wings when I needed to fly— My direction when I was lost so many times— and my harmony every time I sang a song alone. You taught me to pray – to love Jesus. You taught me to give others not what they deserve but what Jesus gives them… open eyes, open arms, and an open heart. You taught me that to judge others is toxic and lies are poison for the soul. Honesty brings humility, and humility will bring you happiness. You taught me that to be angry is to be unfulfilled, and that anger brings resentment, not answers. You taught me – and reminded me over and over – that tears bring healing, and that tears prove not weakness but the strength to show our humanly imperfection.

You’ve held me, you’ve sang me to sleep, you’ve guided me. I know that even when I don’t feel your arms around me, they’re there. I know that even when I don’t hear your voice, you’re singing with me. And I know most importantly that even when I don’t see you, you are leading me down God’s holy and righteous path for my life.

I love you. I have loved you since the day I took my first breathe, and I will love and miss you ‘till the day I take my last. Thank you for being my mom, my favorite in the whole world. I hope to live my life by the examples you set for us and see you again one day in heaven, singing with the angels.

 Love forever and always,

                      Your Gracie