In 2019 I chose the word joy in place of a new years resolution to be my focus for the entire year. As I reflect on this year as it comes to a close, I realize how difficult this word was for me. Having depression and anxiety makes it often difficult to appreciate joy. At least that’s my experience with it. I experienced a lot of heartache and pain this past year that was different than ever before. I also fully experienced the roller coaster that is mental illness. There were periods of time where I felt great! I was motivated, self-assured, and the Lord filled my heart with joy. But those times would quickly pass and I would drop again. Back into depression and anxiety which took away all motivation I had towards life. Relationships would become extremely difficult, schoolwork would be almost impossible to do, and prayer would become a major struggle. In this post, I want to dive a little deeper into these difficulties, share what I have learned through them, and share how I came to find the joy I was looking for in 2019.
Relationships become very hard for me when I am struggling with my mental health. I have a difficult time focusing when people are talking to me – often forgetting that I am in a conversation and I find myself completely zoning out. People that I usually enjoy being around become almost unbearably annoying to me. I become very irritable and sensitive, making maintaining my relationships very difficult. Being around people drains my energy completely, especially when I am trying to put a happy face on to mask what I’m really feeling. My sensitivity means that even something as simple as one wrong look effects me greatly. My relationships suffer when I am like this, and it is incredibly frustrating. All I want is to be a charitable, joy-filled person, yet I can’t even handle hanging out with a group of friends sometimes.
Schoolwork also becomes a major struggle for me. I have an extremely difficult time focusing and struggle to pay attention in class. I find myself trying so hard to focus, that I am focusing more on focusing than what I am actually trying to focus on! Homework becomes a near-impossible task for me. Even the smallest of assignments becomes completely overwhelming for me. I have absolutely no motivation to get anything done. And on top of that, the fact that I couldn’t pay attention in class makes the homework much more difficult to do. My grades suffer when my mental health is suffering.
Prayer is another big part of my life that is affected by my mental health. There are times when even the thought of praying is completely overwhelming. I sometimes experience anxiety when even just thinking about it. This makes my prayer life almost non-existent. Which brings with it its own struggles, because not being able to pray makes me even more anxious. It’s a vicious cycle.
When all these things in my life begin to suffer like this, it feels as though I’m just watching my life fall apart, and there’s nothing I can do about it. So what can you do about these things? Here are some things I’ve learned:
- If you need space from certain relationships – take it. Your relationship will suffer more if you try to force it.
- Talk to your professors and your advisor about what you are struggling with. Most professors will be very understanding and help you out in whatever way they can.
- If prayer is overwhelming or causes you anxiety – don’t do it. You don’t want prayer to become associated with these feelings. My spiritual director often tells me to simply do what I can. If all you can get yourself to do is recite a decade of the rosary, then that’s good enough for the Lord. If all you can get yourself to do is listen to praise and worship music, then that’s great. If all you can do is a simple prayer like “Jesus be with me,” then that is enough for Him. Do what you can, and don’t force what you cannot.
- Anxiety towards prayer is not the same thing as laziness. This is something I feared a lot, that I was just being lazy and that’s why I couldn’t pray. But anxiety is a completely debilitating thing sometimes. You can’t confuse this with laziness, because that will only make things worse.
There was a while where I forgot about my word for 2019 throughout all these issues and really struggled to find and appreciate joy. Something I wish I would have started sooner is praying for joy. But eventually, I began asking for joy in prayer. And boy did God deliver. This doesn’t mean I don’t still have very rough days, but the Lord placed a heart of joy in me like I’ve never had before. I found myself having a fuller capacity to appreciate the little joys in life. Don’t be afraid to ask big things from the Lord, do what you can, and seek help when you need it.
