Photography began as just a fun hobby for me to help relieve stress and anxiety. But this past summer/fall it just sort of turned into a bit of a side business. And with all the portrait shoots I was getting I started to fall in love with this kind of photography more and more. I now feel like I finally found the artistic outlet I’ve been searching for for years. But why do I feel so passionate about something like photography? When I began to think about this, I was reminded of John Paul II’s Letter to Artists. So I went back and read it and boy did it hit me harder than ever before.

I had a hard time not just copying all of JPII’s Letter to Artists into this post… so I selected just a couple of the quotes I wanted to include. (I strongly urge you to just read the whole thing if you haven’t already – I’ll put the link to the letter at the bottom of this post).

1:1 “None can sense more deeply than you artists, ingenious creators of beauty that you are, something of the pathos with which God at the dawn of creation looked upon the work of his hands. A glimmer of that feeling has shone so often in your eyes when—like the artists of every age—captivated by the hidden power of sounds and words, colours and shapes, you have admired the work of your inspiration, sensing in it some echo of the mystery of creation with which God, the sole creator of all things, has wished in some way to associate you.”

God, at the beginning of time, created man in His image. Included in that is to be a type of creator. But as JPII states, you are not The Creator, but rather a “craftsman.” The Creator made everything out of nothing, and you, on the other hand, use that which has already been created to “give form and meaning.” And that’s what artists are called to do.

6:1 “Every genuine artistic intuition goes beyond what the senses perceive and, reaching beneath reality’s surface, strives to interpret its hidden mystery. The intuition itself springs from the depths of the human soul, where the desire to give meaning to one’s own life is joined by the fleeting vision of beauty and of the mysterious unity of things. All artists experience the unbridgeable gap which lies between the work of their hands, however successful it may be, and the dazzling perfection of the beauty glimpsed in the ardour of the creative moment: what they manage to express in their painting, their sculpting, their creating is no more than a glimmer of the splendour which flared for a moment before the eyes of their spirit.”

This expresses how I feel about art so well. The effort to capture the insane beauty of the Creator and His creations can seem daunting, and you definitely don’t always succeed (if ever). But even the slightest sliver of these things can be absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. Even the most objectively beautiful art (and yes I think beauty is objective in a sense) is nothing compared to that which inspired it. 

So why do I love photography so much? More specifically, portrait photography? Because it aspires to capture the most beautiful of God’s creation. The pinnacle of all creation – man. 

While just a snapshot doesn’t even come close to being able to capture the full beauty that a single person possesses, it still shows us that sliver. That little sliver of light that shines through the darkness can be enough to illuminate a unique piece of God that is present in every single human person. 

John Paul II Letter to Artists:

http://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/letters/1999/documents/hf_jp-ii_let_23041999_artists.html

Mental illness causes a special kind of suffering – an especially difficult kind of suffering. But why would God let someone go through this horrific type of suffering? This is something that we may not be able to fully answer… but we can look to scripture to try and help us!

A couple months ago, the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead was a big theme in my life, and kept popping up in many different ways. One way, for example, was when the chaplain at my college prayed over me, he said he was thinking of that story, and how Christ will raise me from the dead as he did Lazarus. I didn’t really get what he meant at the time, but now it all makes sense. I was struggling with depression and anxiety at the time and was very stressed from schoolwork. But when I was doing research for my theology capstone, I was reading the book “Wandering in Darkness” by Eleonore Stump, and the story of Lazarus popped up again! It explained the story in terms of why God may let us suffer sometimes, and it was extremely eye opening and profound for me, so I want to share what it was about.

In John chapter 11, the story of Lazarus takes place. Lazarus is a man who becomes very sick. His sisters, Mary and Martha, send word to Jesus of Lazarus’ illness. They wanted Jesus to heal Lazarus. However, after hearing Lazarus was ill, Jesus stayed where He was for 2 more days, seeming to ignore the cry of help from the sisters. He didn’t heal Lazarus when Mary and Martha asked Him to, and Lazarus winds up dying. Then Jesus, after the two days, decides to go to where Lazarus is. By the time Jesus and His disciples arrived, Lazarus had been dead in the tomb for 4 days. The sisters were mourning and told Jesus that if He had come when they asked Him to, their brother would not be dead. Jesus saw them, along with many others, mourning over Lazarus’ death, and He was moved to tears. Jesus wept. He then had them roll the stone away and raised Lazarus from the dead! And “many of the Jews who had come to visit Mary, and had seen what Jesus did, put their faith in Him” (John 11:45).

So Christ let Lazarus die so that many would come to believe in Him. But what about Lazarus, Martha, and Mary? They had to endure much suffering and pain in order for God to be glorified. Why would God let them suffer for His own glory?

Here’s the thing. Yes, God was glorified greatly through their suffering – and we know that this is applied to us as well. When we suffer, if we unite our suffering to Christ, God can be glorified greatly and our suffering can become redemptive. But still… why would God allow suffering simply for His own glory?

Well, if we look back at the story of Lazarus, we can see that not only was God glorified, but Lazarus, Martha, and Mary were as well! In the book, Eleonore Stump says, “God’s flourishing in not augmented when human beings praise Him; their flourishing is.” Eleonore stump also writes:

“Before she understood His plan, Mary thought that Jesus had betrayed her trust, and that therefore, to that extent, He did not love her. But with the raising of Lazarus she must come to see something of the original plan. She must see that Jesus has in mind both giving her the very thing she wanted, her brother Lazarus, and also giving her something beyond her imagination to desire, her own greatness and honor. To understand that plan is also to understand the deep love in His heart for her that motivated it.”

In the next chapter, there is a dinner party. And Lazarus is the only one of the three of them seated at the table with Jesus. Martha is serving and Mary is at Jesus’ feet anointing them with oil. You see, Christ gave the greatest glory to Lazarus, the one who died. Lazarus sat with honor at the table with Jesus, and Martha and Mary were given all that they wanted and more. All were given glory and honor by taking part and being named in this incredible miracle that has been told throughout the ages and has brought many to believe in Christ and His love. You see, they are all an integral part of the story, and it couldn’t have taken place without them.

Now, this all happened around the time that I released my letter for The Catholic Woman blog. I was receiving tons of messages and emails from people talking about how my story helped them, made them feel like they weren’t alone, and helped them understand that God was still with them throughout their struggles. It was very humbling to be a part of these great realizations for so many people. To have been a mode for which the Lord could work in these people’s lives. And that would not have happened if I hadn’t experienced the suffering that I did. Christ may have let me “die” in a sense, but He’s truly raising me from the dead and giving me new life daily in so many ways.

So, if you are suffering with mental illness, it may seem unfair that you have to undergo such intense pain. And in some ways it is. And that pain is not good or from Christ, but Christ in His infinite goodness can make even such extreme and horrible suffering into something good. He can bring glory and honor to Himself, and therefore glory and honor to you! You may not know how right now, but He will. You may feel as though He has abandoned you to let you, in some ways, die. But He hasn’t. He has a special place in His heart for you, and He trusts you to persevere through whatever you are going though. Your suffering can be seen as a sign of Christ’s trust in you. And He will raise you from the dead, and bring you not only new life, but honor and greatness as well, while at the same time giving Him all the glory!

Heyo, it’s been a while. Before my most recent post I had taken a pretty long break from blogging. And here’s why:

First off, my relationship with Christ was struggling. I pretty much stopped praying and felt like I was doing pretty alright by myself for a time being. I got the job I had been fervently praying for, so I was set. (or so I thought). Since then, I had pretty much walked away from my prayer life.

Secondly, my mental health has been in pretty alright shape lately. The mental illnesses that I struggle with have calmed down recently, which has been great! But because of that I felt less inspired to write since I normally write about my own experiences. And life lately has felt pretty blah.

Those are the main two reasons I stopped blogging. And here’s the thing: doing life without prayer is difficult. At least leading a virtuous and holy life is. It’s hard to maintain relationships, a faith life, and work when you’re not keeping Christ at the center. I fooled myself for a little while that it was fine, but things just got harder and harder. I got a second job that I felt Christ pull me towards, and just as I was starting that, my work as a photographer ramped up and I found myself extremely busy. This all stressed me out and I felt very overwhelmed (because I was trying to do it all on my own).

The Lord works so wonderfully, though. He continued to show up for me even when I wasn’t showing up for Him. He constantly gave me gentle reminders of His love throughout my days. One day in particular He loved me so well it woke me up. I realized that I need to invite Him into my work and entire life daily like I used to.

This particular day I was doing real estate photography. I was working and found out I had to drive all the way out to St Cloud to do photos for one house. I was stressed out from a crazy week, sick of driving, exhausted and just did not want to go. But when I got close to the house, I realized one of my all time favorite coffee shops (that doesn’t exist in the cities or anywhere in MN except St Cloud) was right by the house I was going to. It turned out that I had about an hour before I had to shoot the house, so I went and got some of my favorite coffee! While there I looked across the street and there was a beautiful cathedral. I thought to myself there’s no way I could go in because of Covid… but I decided to check their website. And guess what? They had adoration on the exact day at the exact time that I was there. It was the only day of the week that they did adoration. I was overjoyed. I went in and prayed with Jesus for a bit before going to my house. The amazing coffee and wonderful adoration that I was able to go to made me feel so loved and taken care of by the Lord.

What I’ve learned from this all is the incredible gift of Christ’s infinite mercy. He meets us in the struggle, he meets us in our efforts, and in our joys. But He also meets us when we completely fail. When we don’t show up, He still does! This ridiculous love is difficult to accept, but throughout trying to accept it myself I find that I am able to take it easier on myself when I’m not exactly where I want to be in terms of prayer, work, relationships, etc.

I want this blog to be a place where I share my honest struggles and joys in life, in hopes that it can bring hope, comfort, or joy to others lives. All I hope for is relatability to the difficulties or the consolations of this crazy life so that others can know that they are not alone or share in the joy of Christ. I am going to try to post more consistently, so if you have any suggestions or ideas for what you would like me to write about, leave a comment! Thanks for reading!

In Christ,

Kelsey

Throwback to finding this quote in an old book in a random library during my first solo camping trip…

“Dreams are the source of much of the new thinking, new convictions, new power in the world. They send the adventurous out on uncharted seas, dangerous seas, and it is danger, not security, which develops strength in mind and spirit.” 

While reflecting on this quote, I’ve realized that when I’ve stepped into the unknown is when I’ve become more of who I truly am. It forced me to learn more about myself and it is where I’ve grown the most.

Stepping away from security pushes you, and tests you, but strengthens you so much. Then it strengthens you to step out even further next time. And this, this is growth.

We can think about this in so many different areas of our life. Our physical health, our spiritual health, even our mental health. For me, my mental health has improved the most when I’ve taken little risks.

This became apparent to me after my first solo camping trip. This was years ago, and my mental health was not in good shape at that time. I wasn’t able to drive much as my anxiety would cause my legs to shake a ton. But I felt like I had to do something about all this crippling anxiety and depression, so I drove 45 minutes to Taylor’s Falls and went camping by myself. I DROVE. By myself. To somewhere I had never driven before. (Now I know it doesn’t sound that adventurous but this was a HUGE accomplishment for me at the time). It was sooo good for my mental health to be alone in nature for a weekend and I’m so glad God gave me the graces to step out on that little, yet life changing adventure. I learned how to be on my own, solve little hiccups along the trip, and even learned to enjoy my own company. And not simply enjoy it… but truly fall in love with the solitude of being on my own. This all happened after a very difficult breakup, and in a weird way it showed me that I was going to be okay on my own. That being single was actually going to be a very good thing for me. My outlook on life even changed pretty drastically because of this little camping trip. I didn’t feel like I was completely helpless or hopeless anymore. I felt excited for life and for what was to come of it – and I hadn’t felt that way in a very, very long time. I became much more confident in who I was and what I could do. And because of the confidence that I gained from 2 days, I was able to step out even further the next time…

The next time the Lord called me out of my comfort zone was when I made the decision to attend the University of Mary. It was the best decision I’ve ever made, yet it was the hardest. I was terrified about attending college, especially one in a different state. I was moving to an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people, to learn about a subject I knew almost nothing about. With my knowledge of the way the Lord works in risk because of that camping trip, I was able to listen to the Lord’s calling above all of my fears, and I moved into a studio apartment by myself for the next 2 years. I truly felt like I was stepping out into the dark with nothing but God’s voice calling me. Yet I grew the most I ever have in the two years I was there and I’m forever grateful for that. I grew spiritually, mentally, and emotionally in so many ways it would take a book to write it all down.

As I’m writing this, a song comes to mind – Captain, by Hillsong United. I listened to this song on repeat while I was discerning whether or not to attend the University of Mary…

“Through waters uncharted my soul will embark, I’ll follow your voice straight into the dark.”

One thing I’ve learned for sure – the Lord truly does great works in risk. He pulls you out of fear, complacency, and the mundane to reveal to you what you’re truly capable of. And you are capable of sooo much more than you think.

Living a life of risk has a basis in our spiritual, as well as psychological well being. It is only in risk and stepping out into the unknown that we can truly engage and grow in this life, with of course still having the things that keep us grounded, such as family, friends, routine, etc. Psychologist Jordan Peterson explains in his book, 12 Rules for Life, about this balance between order and chaos, peace and risk, that is necessary for human development and flourishment.

“Order is not enough. You can’t just be stable, and secure, and unchanging, because there are still vital and important new things to be learned. Nonetheless, chaos can be too much. You can’t long tolerate being swamped and overwhelmed beyond your capacity to cope while you are learning what you still need to know. Thus, you need to place one foot in what you have mastered and understood and the other in what you are currently exploring and mastering. Then you have positioned yourself where the terror of existence is under control and you are secure, but where you are also alert and engaged. That is where there is something new to master and some way that you can be improved. That is where meaning is to be found.”

I’m now in a brand new stage in life – college grad. I have a full time job as a real estate photographer, a side gig I’m starting up as a portrait photographer, and I just got a second job as the faith formation program coordinator at the Nativity of Our Lord in St. Paul. While I’m extremely excited about this new stage in life, it’s already proven to come with difficulties. I am honestly pretty darn scared of what the next few years may hold, but I’m so looking forward to the adventures it will come with and the growth that will in turn follow. I know the Lord will present me with more opportunities that look risky to me, but with my experiences in seeing how He so greatly works through these kinds of opportunities, I will hopefully be able to step out and face the unknowns with confidence and trust in the Lord.

Lord, I don’t know where you’re leading me, but give me the courage to step out boldly into the dark of the unknown and take on the adventure of where you are calling me in this stage of my life. Thank you for the dreams and passions you have placed on my heart – help me to use them for Your Kingdom. 

“Jesus my Captain my souls trusted Lord, All my allegiance is rightfully Yours.”