• Kelsey's Posts

    Why Photography?

    November 11, 2020

    Photography began as just a fun hobby for me to help relieve stress and anxiety. But this past summer/fall it just sort of turned into a bit of a side business. And with all the portrait shoots I was getting I started to fall in love with this kind of photography more and more. I now feel like I finally found the artistic outlet I’ve been searching for for years. But why do I feel so passionate about something like photography? When I began to think about this, I was reminded of John Paul II’s Letter to Artists. So I went back and read it and boy did it hit me harder than ever before.

    I had a hard time not just copying all of JPII’s Letter to Artists into this post… so I selected just a couple of the quotes I wanted to include. (I strongly urge you to just read the whole thing if you haven’t already – I’ll put the link to the letter at the bottom of this post).

    1:1 “None can sense more deeply than you artists, ingenious creators of beauty that you are, something of the pathos with which God at the dawn of creation looked upon the work of his hands. A glimmer of that feeling has shone so often in your eyes when—like the artists of every age—captivated by the hidden power of sounds and words, colours and shapes, you have admired the work of your inspiration, sensing in it some echo of the mystery of creation with which God, the sole creator of all things, has wished in some way to associate you.”

    God, at the beginning of time, created man in His image. Included in that is to be a type of creator. But as JPII states, you are not The Creator, but rather a “craftsman.” The Creator made everything out of nothing, and you, on the other hand, use that which has already been created to “give form and meaning.” And that’s what artists are called to do.

    6:1 “Every genuine artistic intuition goes beyond what the senses perceive and, reaching beneath reality’s surface, strives to interpret its hidden mystery. The intuition itself springs from the depths of the human soul, where the desire to give meaning to one’s own life is joined by the fleeting vision of beauty and of the mysterious unity of things. All artists experience the unbridgeable gap which lies between the work of their hands, however successful it may be, and the dazzling perfection of the beauty glimpsed in the ardour of the creative moment: what they manage to express in their painting, their sculpting, their creating is no more than a glimmer of the splendour which flared for a moment before the eyes of their spirit.”

    This expresses how I feel about art so well. The effort to capture the insane beauty of the Creator and His creations can seem daunting, and you definitely don’t always succeed (if ever). But even the slightest sliver of these things can be absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. Even the most objectively beautiful art (and yes I think beauty is objective in a sense) is nothing compared to that which inspired it. 

    So why do I love photography so much? More specifically, portrait photography? Because it aspires to capture the most beautiful of God’s creation. The pinnacle of all creation – man. 

    While just a snapshot doesn’t even come close to being able to capture the full beauty that a single person possesses, it still shows us that sliver. That little sliver of light that shines through the darkness can be enough to illuminate a unique piece of God that is present in every single human person. 

    John Paul II Letter to Artists:

    http://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/letters/1999/documents/hf_jp-ii_let_23041999_artists.html

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  • Kelsey's Posts

    Wandering in Darkness

    October 8, 2020

    Mental illness causes a special kind of suffering – an especially difficult kind of suffering. But why would God let someone go through this horrific type of suffering? This is something that we may not be able to fully answer… but we can look to scripture to try and help us!

    A couple months ago, the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead was a big theme in my life, and kept popping up in many different ways. One way, for example, was when the chaplain at my college prayed over me, he said he was thinking of that story, and how Christ will raise me from the dead as he did Lazarus. I didn’t really get what he meant at the time, but now it all makes sense. I was struggling with depression and anxiety at the time and was very stressed from schoolwork. But when I was doing research for my theology capstone, I was reading the book “Wandering in Darkness” by Eleonore Stump, and the story of Lazarus popped up again! It explained the story in terms of why God may let us suffer sometimes, and it was extremely eye opening and profound for me, so I want to share what it was about.

    In John chapter 11, the story of Lazarus takes place. Lazarus is a man who becomes very sick. His sisters, Mary and Martha, send word to Jesus of Lazarus’ illness. They wanted Jesus to heal Lazarus. However, after hearing Lazarus was ill, Jesus stayed where He was for 2 more days, seeming to ignore the cry of help from the sisters. He didn’t heal Lazarus when Mary and Martha asked Him to, and Lazarus winds up dying. Then Jesus, after the two days, decides to go to where Lazarus is. By the time Jesus and His disciples arrived, Lazarus had been dead in the tomb for 4 days. The sisters were mourning and told Jesus that if He had come when they asked Him to, their brother would not be dead. Jesus saw them, along with many others, mourning over Lazarus’ death, and He was moved to tears. Jesus wept. He then had them roll the stone away and raised Lazarus from the dead! And “many of the Jews who had come to visit Mary, and had seen what Jesus did, put their faith in Him” (John 11:45).

    So Christ let Lazarus die so that many would come to believe in Him. But what about Lazarus, Martha, and Mary? They had to endure much suffering and pain in order for God to be glorified. Why would God let them suffer for His own glory?

    Here’s the thing. Yes, God was glorified greatly through their suffering – and we know that this is applied to us as well. When we suffer, if we unite our suffering to Christ, God can be glorified greatly and our suffering can become redemptive. But still… why would God allow suffering simply for His own glory?

    Well, if we look back at the story of Lazarus, we can see that not only was God glorified, but Lazarus, Martha, and Mary were as well! In the book, Eleonore Stump says, “God’s flourishing in not augmented when human beings praise Him; their flourishing is.” Eleonore stump also writes:

    “Before she understood His plan, Mary thought that Jesus had betrayed her trust, and that therefore, to that extent, He did not love her. But with the raising of Lazarus she must come to see something of the original plan. She must see that Jesus has in mind both giving her the very thing she wanted, her brother Lazarus, and also giving her something beyond her imagination to desire, her own greatness and honor. To understand that plan is also to understand the deep love in His heart for her that motivated it.”

    In the next chapter, there is a dinner party. And Lazarus is the only one of the three of them seated at the table with Jesus. Martha is serving and Mary is at Jesus’ feet anointing them with oil. You see, Christ gave the greatest glory to Lazarus, the one who died. Lazarus sat with honor at the table with Jesus, and Martha and Mary were given all that they wanted and more. All were given glory and honor by taking part and being named in this incredible miracle that has been told throughout the ages and has brought many to believe in Christ and His love. You see, they are all an integral part of the story, and it couldn’t have taken place without them.

    Now, this all happened around the time that I released my letter for The Catholic Woman blog. I was receiving tons of messages and emails from people talking about how my story helped them, made them feel like they weren’t alone, and helped them understand that God was still with them throughout their struggles. It was very humbling to be a part of these great realizations for so many people. To have been a mode for which the Lord could work in these people’s lives. And that would not have happened if I hadn’t experienced the suffering that I did. Christ may have let me “die” in a sense, but He’s truly raising me from the dead and giving me new life daily in so many ways.

    So, if you are suffering with mental illness, it may seem unfair that you have to undergo such intense pain. And in some ways it is. And that pain is not good or from Christ, but Christ in His infinite goodness can make even such extreme and horrible suffering into something good. He can bring glory and honor to Himself, and therefore glory and honor to you! You may not know how right now, but He will. You may feel as though He has abandoned you to let you, in some ways, die. But He hasn’t. He has a special place in His heart for you, and He trusts you to persevere through whatever you are going though. Your suffering can be seen as a sign of Christ’s trust in you. And He will raise you from the dead, and bring you not only new life, but honor and greatness as well, while at the same time giving Him all the glory!

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  • Kelsey's Posts

    The Pursuit of Love

    September 25, 2020

    Heyo, it’s been a while. Before my most recent post I had taken a pretty long break from blogging. And here’s why:

    First off, my relationship with Christ was struggling. I pretty much stopped praying and felt like I was doing pretty alright by myself for a time being. I got the job I had been fervently praying for, so I was set. (or so I thought). Since then, I had pretty much walked away from my prayer life.

    Secondly, my mental health has been in pretty alright shape lately. The mental illnesses that I struggle with have calmed down recently, which has been great! But because of that I felt less inspired to write since I normally write about my own experiences. And life lately has felt pretty blah.

    Those are the main two reasons I stopped blogging. And here’s the thing: doing life without prayer is difficult. At least leading a virtuous and holy life is. It’s hard to maintain relationships, a faith life, and work when you’re not keeping Christ at the center. I fooled myself for a little while that it was fine, but things just got harder and harder. I got a second job that I felt Christ pull me towards, and just as I was starting that, my work as a photographer ramped up and I found myself extremely busy. This all stressed me out and I felt very overwhelmed (because I was trying to do it all on my own).

    The Lord works so wonderfully, though. He continued to show up for me even when I wasn’t showing up for Him. He constantly gave me gentle reminders of His love throughout my days. One day in particular He loved me so well it woke me up. I realized that I need to invite Him into my work and entire life daily like I used to.

    This particular day I was doing real estate photography. I was working and found out I had to drive all the way out to St Cloud to do photos for one house. I was stressed out from a crazy week, sick of driving, exhausted and just did not want to go. But when I got close to the house, I realized one of my all time favorite coffee shops (that doesn’t exist in the cities or anywhere in MN except St Cloud) was right by the house I was going to. It turned out that I had about an hour before I had to shoot the house, so I went and got some of my favorite coffee! While there I looked across the street and there was a beautiful cathedral. I thought to myself there’s no way I could go in because of Covid… but I decided to check their website. And guess what? They had adoration on the exact day at the exact time that I was there. It was the only day of the week that they did adoration. I was overjoyed. I went in and prayed with Jesus for a bit before going to my house. The amazing coffee and wonderful adoration that I was able to go to made me feel so loved and taken care of by the Lord.

    What I’ve learned from this all is the incredible gift of Christ’s infinite mercy. He meets us in the struggle, he meets us in our efforts, and in our joys. But He also meets us when we completely fail. When we don’t show up, He still does! This ridiculous love is difficult to accept, but throughout trying to accept it myself I find that I am able to take it easier on myself when I’m not exactly where I want to be in terms of prayer, work, relationships, etc.

    I want this blog to be a place where I share my honest struggles and joys in life, in hopes that it can bring hope, comfort, or joy to others lives. All I hope for is relatability to the difficulties or the consolations of this crazy life so that others can know that they are not alone or share in the joy of Christ. I am going to try to post more consistently, so if you have any suggestions or ideas for what you would like me to write about, leave a comment! Thanks for reading!

    In Christ,

    Kelsey

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    A God of Risk

    September 8, 2020


    Throwback to finding this quote in an old book in a random library during my first solo camping trip…

    “Dreams are the source of much of the new thinking, new convictions, new power in the world. They send the adventurous out on uncharted seas, dangerous seas, and it is danger, not security, which develops strength in mind and spirit.” 

    While reflecting on this quote, I’ve realized that when I’ve stepped into the unknown is when I’ve become more of who I truly am. It forced me to learn more about myself and it is where I’ve grown the most.

    Stepping away from security pushes you, and tests you, but strengthens you so much. Then it strengthens you to step out even further next time. And this, this is growth.

    We can think about this in so many different areas of our life. Our physical health, our spiritual health, even our mental health. For me, my mental health has improved the most when I’ve taken little risks.

    This became apparent to me after my first solo camping trip. This was years ago, and my mental health was not in good shape at that time. I wasn’t able to drive much as my anxiety would cause my legs to shake a ton. But I felt like I had to do something about all this crippling anxiety and depression, so I drove 45 minutes to Taylor’s Falls and went camping by myself. I DROVE. By myself. To somewhere I had never driven before. (Now I know it doesn’t sound that adventurous but this was a HUGE accomplishment for me at the time). It was sooo good for my mental health to be alone in nature for a weekend and I’m so glad God gave me the graces to step out on that little, yet life changing adventure. I learned how to be on my own, solve little hiccups along the trip, and even learned to enjoy my own company. And not simply enjoy it… but truly fall in love with the solitude of being on my own. This all happened after a very difficult breakup, and in a weird way it showed me that I was going to be okay on my own. That being single was actually going to be a very good thing for me. My outlook on life even changed pretty drastically because of this little camping trip. I didn’t feel like I was completely helpless or hopeless anymore. I felt excited for life and for what was to come of it – and I hadn’t felt that way in a very, very long time. I became much more confident in who I was and what I could do. And because of the confidence that I gained from 2 days, I was able to step out even further the next time…

    The next time the Lord called me out of my comfort zone was when I made the decision to attend the University of Mary. It was the best decision I’ve ever made, yet it was the hardest. I was terrified about attending college, especially one in a different state. I was moving to an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people, to learn about a subject I knew almost nothing about. With my knowledge of the way the Lord works in risk because of that camping trip, I was able to listen to the Lord’s calling above all of my fears, and I moved into a studio apartment by myself for the next 2 years. I truly felt like I was stepping out into the dark with nothing but God’s voice calling me. Yet I grew the most I ever have in the two years I was there and I’m forever grateful for that. I grew spiritually, mentally, and emotionally in so many ways it would take a book to write it all down.

    As I’m writing this, a song comes to mind – Captain, by Hillsong United. I listened to this song on repeat while I was discerning whether or not to attend the University of Mary…

    “Through waters uncharted my soul will embark, I’ll follow your voice straight into the dark.”

    One thing I’ve learned for sure – the Lord truly does great works in risk. He pulls you out of fear, complacency, and the mundane to reveal to you what you’re truly capable of. And you are capable of sooo much more than you think.

    Living a life of risk has a basis in our spiritual, as well as psychological well being. It is only in risk and stepping out into the unknown that we can truly engage and grow in this life, with of course still having the things that keep us grounded, such as family, friends, routine, etc. Psychologist Jordan Peterson explains in his book, 12 Rules for Life, about this balance between order and chaos, peace and risk, that is necessary for human development and flourishment.

    “Order is not enough. You can’t just be stable, and secure, and unchanging, because there are still vital and important new things to be learned. Nonetheless, chaos can be too much. You can’t long tolerate being swamped and overwhelmed beyond your capacity to cope while you are learning what you still need to know. Thus, you need to place one foot in what you have mastered and understood and the other in what you are currently exploring and mastering. Then you have positioned yourself where the terror of existence is under control and you are secure, but where you are also alert and engaged. That is where there is something new to master and some way that you can be improved. That is where meaning is to be found.”

    I’m now in a brand new stage in life – college grad. I have a full time job as a real estate photographer, a side gig I’m starting up as a portrait photographer, and I just got a second job as the faith formation program coordinator at the Nativity of Our Lord in St. Paul. While I’m extremely excited about this new stage in life, it’s already proven to come with difficulties. I am honestly pretty darn scared of what the next few years may hold, but I’m so looking forward to the adventures it will come with and the growth that will in turn follow. I know the Lord will present me with more opportunities that look risky to me, but with my experiences in seeing how He so greatly works through these kinds of opportunities, I will hopefully be able to step out and face the unknowns with confidence and trust in the Lord.

    Lord, I don’t know where you’re leading me, but give me the courage to step out boldly into the dark of the unknown and take on the adventure of where you are calling me in this stage of my life. Thank you for the dreams and passions you have placed on my heart – help me to use them for Your Kingdom. 

    “Jesus my Captain my souls trusted Lord, All my allegiance is rightfully Yours.”

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    The Roots of Mental Illness

    April 25, 2020

    Mental illness is a major growing issue in society today. Millions of Americans suffer from some type of mental illness every year – about 1 in 5 adults. This includes Catholics and non-Catholics alike. Mental illness is incredibly painful, difficult to describe, and sometimes deadly. As humans, we were created by God. Under the presupposition that we have an all good and all powerful God, and that we were made in the image and likeness of God, how could there be such a thing as mental illness? This question is one that many Christians who suffer from mental illness find themselves asking. In the Christian world, many even have doubts that their mental illness is really a medical problem, and can find themselves blaming their faith, or lack thereof, for the troubles they experience from mental illness. However, lack of faith is not the issue. The issue is about real chemical imbalances in the brain. “Mental health is rooted in the body, in nervous and hormonal dysfunction, and especially in a defective habituation of the internal senses and feelings to which nervous and hormonal dysfunction can dispose the sufferer” (Benedict Ashley). Due to our fallen nature, things are not quite as they are supposed to be. Original sin destroyed our relationships with God, nature, and even ourselves. “Were the world as it should be… particular creatures would lack none of the qualities they ought to have in order to be as beautiful as they could be” (Paul Griffiths). While this remains true, “God does not make absences, non-beings, failures” (Herbert McCabe). Mental illness is not a defect of free will or intelligence, but it is a defect in the material body. Therefore, mental illness is not a mistake on God’s part, but rather a result of the fall, and proof that “living as a human is to live in a state that is vulnerable, insufficient unto himself, and interdependent” (Emily Stetler). Mental illness comes not from God, but from the fall of man. Because of the fall, human nature, though not completely corrupt, is disordered so that our facilities “are at war with each other,” which can cause a lot of anxiety for someone experiencing difficulties with their mental health (Benedict Ashley).

    Human fullness is reaching that harmony with God that we lost in the fall, and becoming who God created us to be. With the concept of this fullness completely lost, mental illness can cause extreme sorrow, agony, and even a loss of hope. “What occurs within our bodies inevitably has theological significance” (Emily Stetler). As humans, we are connected, body and soul. There is a necessary relationship between our bodies and our soul. Since the fall, this unity is no longer in complete harmony. “Theological well being…” John Swinton points out, “… has to do with the presence of God in relationship.” This relationship can appear to be cut off in the midst of the torment of mental illness. “Because religion is a person’s worldview and value system, which is basic to all free decisions and therefore sets the relative importance of a person’s life goals, it necessarily is involved when a person’s freedom is inhibited by mental illness” (Benedict Ashley). Thus, when treating mental illness, it is important to treat not only the mind and the body, but also the soul. Faith and religion can be very helpful for a person to come to a “truer self understanding and seek to regain mental and physical health” (Benedict Ashley). However, psychology and theology, while both need attention, should be kept separate. “Grafting theology into the goals of medicine simply on the grounds for potential therapeutic benefit will inevitably lead to confusion, dissonance, distortion, and contradiction” (John Swinton). Swinton also notes that the goals of medicine are not the same as the goals of theology. This is exactly why both need to be treated. If the theology of mental illness is ignored, those suffering from it can experience extreme spiritual dissonance and anguish. 

    Each symptom of mental illness originated from man’s fall from God. Adam and Eve had harmony with God, and their appetite, intellect, will, bodies, emotions, and relationships were in harmony. “Christian revelation shows that depression,” and other mental illnesses, “while real and present in our fallen state, (are) not original to human nature” (Aaron Kheriaty). If this is true, then where did mental illness come from? Kheriaty states: “Christian revelation locates its origin in that fateful decision of our first parents to seperate themselves from communion with God,” and that this separation destroyed our union with God, and “our emotions were no longer harmoniously integrated with our intellect, will, and bodily health.” Thus, our fallen nature gave way to various kinds of mental illness. “Mental illness is a feature of the human condition, and Christian faith tells us it was never the Creator’s intention but has been acquired by the human race’s own sins, the innocent suffering from the sins of the guilty and the guilty dragging down the innocent with themselves” (Benedict Ashley).

    People who experienced some kind of mental illness view the world differently. We can learn from them, for weakness leads to God. In John chapter nine, Jesus says that a man’s disability is not because he or his parents have sinned, “but it is so that the work of God may be manifested in him” (John 9:3).

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  • Kelsey's Posts

    The Silencing of Mental Illness

    April 15, 2020

    Mental illness causes a loss of self. One loses the ability to clearly and rationally think for themselves. Becoming someone so unlike who you truly are is an extreme type of agony. The harder one may try to change their mood or do things that they would normally do, the worse the feelings become and the more impossible simple tasks become. What’s worse is the inability to communicate the pain and agony that one is undergoing when dealing with some type of mental illness.

    “If the pain were readily describable most of the countless sufferers from this ancient affliction would have been able to confidently depict for their friends and loved ones, even their physicians, some of the actual dimensions of their torment, and perhaps elicit a comprehension that has been generally lacking. Such incomprehension has usually been due, not to a failure of sympathy, but to the basic inability of healthy people to imagine a form of torment so alien to everyday experience. For myself, the pain is most closely connected to drowning or suffocation. But even these images are off the mark. Psychologist and philosopher William James, who battled depression for many years gave up the search for an adequate portrayal implying the near impossibility…” – Aaron Kheriaty.

    This inability to communicate the pain that one experiences with mental illness causes a greater sense of loneliness and isolation. “The insidious power of mental illnesses to break down and debilitate the sufferer lies partly in their being simultaneously non-verbal and de-verbalizing, ineffable and silencing. They elude powers of speech even while they rob the person of such powers, making articulation of the pain even more difficult and less likely.” – Emily Stetler. This silencing convinces the person that they are the only ones feeling the way that they do, making them begin to want to blame themselves. Those who haven’t experienced it will assume that they know what it is like, causing them to try to tell those struggling with mental illness what they need to do to get better, when in reality, no one truly knows what it is like until they experience it for themselves.

    People who experience or have experienced some kind of mental illness view the world differently. We can learn from them, for weakness leads to God. In John chapter nine, Jesus says that a man’s disability is not because he or his parents have sinned, “but it is so that the work of God may be manifested in him.”

    The reason I want to advocate for mental health is because typically those experiencing it are unable to effectively advocate for themselves, at least it is extremely difficult. I want to start the conversation about it, because this topic is so often just hushed. I want to be a voice for those who feel like they have lost theirs. I want to shed a little light on the darkness that is mental illness.

    As always, you are all in my prayers, and please don’t hesitate to reach out if you are in need of someone to talk to.

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  • Kelsey's Posts

    Seeking Courage in 2020

    December 30, 2019

    The word that the Lord placed on my heart for 2020 is courage. In 2019 I learned how to seek joy from the Lord. It was a very difficult year for me, but the Lord worked in my life in very tangible ways, and for that, I am forever grateful.

    I am nearing my final semester of college, and it hasn’t fully set in that I will be done in 5 short months. I will be graduating with a major in theology and a minor in media production. I have no idea where I will wind up after graduation, or even what I’ll be doing.

    That being said, this next year is going to bring a lot of changes and I will be taking a lot of big steps forward in my life. There are so many upcoming unknowns in 2020 that honestly scare the crap out of me. But I want to step out in trust, boldness, and complete hope in the Lord’s plan for my life. I want to rid myself of anxiety and fear and step up to be who God made me to be.

    Lord, give me courage. Help me to live a courageous life grounded in You. Help me to not be afraid of the unknown. Help me to walk fearlessly with You and for You. Give me the courage to live up to my full potential. Help me to not let silly things stand in the way of doing what needs to be done – but most especially, don’t let me stand in the way of myself. Lord, give me courage to live as you have taught me to live.

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    Finding Joy in 2019

    December 1, 2019

    In 2019 I chose the word joy in place of a new years resolution to be my focus for the entire year. As I reflect on this year as it comes to a close, I realize how difficult this word was for me. Having depression and anxiety makes it often difficult to appreciate joy. At least that’s my experience with it. I experienced a lot of heartache and pain this past year that was different than ever before. I also fully experienced the roller coaster that is mental illness. There were periods of time where I felt great! I was motivated, self-assured, and the Lord filled my heart with joy. But those times would quickly pass and I would drop again. Back into depression and anxiety which took away all motivation I had towards life. Relationships would become extremely difficult, schoolwork would be almost impossible to do, and prayer would become a major struggle. In this post, I want to dive a little deeper into these difficulties, share what I have learned through them, and share how I came to find the joy I was looking for in 2019.

    Relationships become very hard for me when I am struggling with my mental health. I have a difficult time focusing when people are talking to me – often forgetting that I am in a conversation and I find myself completely zoning out. People that I usually enjoy being around become almost unbearably annoying to me. I become very irritable and sensitive, making maintaining my relationships very difficult. Being around people drains my energy completely, especially when I am trying to put a happy face on to mask what I’m really feeling. My sensitivity means that even something as simple as one wrong look effects me greatly. My relationships suffer when I am like this, and it is incredibly frustrating. All I want is to be a charitable, joy-filled person, yet I can’t even handle hanging out with a group of friends sometimes.

    Schoolwork also becomes a major struggle for me. I have an extremely difficult time focusing and struggle to pay attention in class. I find myself trying so hard to focus, that I am focusing more on focusing than what I am actually trying to focus on! Homework becomes a near-impossible task for me. Even the smallest of assignments becomes completely overwhelming for me. I have absolutely no motivation to get anything done. And on top of that, the fact that I couldn’t pay attention in class makes the homework much more difficult to do. My grades suffer when my mental health is suffering.

    Prayer is another big part of my life that is affected by my mental health. There are times when even the thought of praying is completely overwhelming. I sometimes experience anxiety when even just thinking about it. This makes my prayer life almost non-existent. Which brings with it its own struggles, because not being able to pray makes me even more anxious. It’s a vicious cycle.

    When all these things in my life begin to suffer like this, it feels as though I’m just watching my life fall apart, and there’s nothing I can do about it. So what can you do about these things? Here are some things I’ve learned:

    • If you need space from certain relationships – take it. Your relationship will suffer more if you try to force it.
    • Talk to your professors and your advisor about what you are struggling with. Most professors will be very understanding and help you out in whatever way they can.
    • If prayer is overwhelming or causes you anxiety – don’t do it. You don’t want prayer to become associated with these feelings. My spiritual director often tells me to simply do what I can. If all you can get yourself to do is recite a decade of the rosary, then that’s good enough for the Lord. If all you can get yourself to do is listen to praise and worship music, then that’s great. If all you can do is a simple prayer like “Jesus be with me,” then that is enough for Him. Do what you can, and don’t force what you cannot.
    • Anxiety towards prayer is not the same thing as laziness. This is something I feared a lot, that I was just being lazy and that’s why I couldn’t pray. But anxiety is a completely debilitating thing sometimes. You can’t confuse this with laziness, because that will only make things worse.

    There was a while where I forgot about my word for 2019 throughout all these issues and really struggled to find and appreciate joy. Something I wish I would have started sooner is praying for joy. But eventually, I began asking for joy in prayer. And boy did God deliver. This doesn’t mean I don’t still have very rough days, but the Lord placed a heart of joy in me like I’ve never had before. I found myself having a fuller capacity to appreciate the little joys in life. Don’t be afraid to ask big things from the Lord, do what you can, and seek help when you need it.

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  • Kelsey's Posts

    Depression or Dark Night?

    September 7, 2019

    How can there be pain and suffering when there is an all-powerful and all-good God? Is there a reason for our pain and suffering? These are two very important questions that all Christians should be asking themselves. Not only do we encounter physical suffering, but we encounter mental and emotional suffering as well. We can even experience spiritual suffering. Saint John of the Cross explains a certain kind of spiritual suffering as, what he calls, a dark night of the soul. A dark night of the soul is an experience with extreme spiritual desolation. It is a type of spiritual trial that some say only those who have an extreme maturity in the spiritual life will experience. Take Mother Teresa of Calcutta, and Saint John of the Cross as examples of saints who experienced this intense darkness. Though it may be true that only those who are extremely spiritually mature undergo a true “dark night of the soul,” for the sake of this post, it will be discussed as a term that all may experience to a certain degree. Dark nights can cause a kind of inner, spiritual distress, which can appear to be very similar to depression.

    The dark night of the soul is a very real experience of the perceived absence of God. He hides His face, and what once used to stir one’s heart will no longer have an effect. God’s intentional hiding is meant to purify the one undergoing this painful trial. When experiencing a dark night, one will encounter “purgative contemplation, in which God specifically darkens a person’s will, intellect, and senses in order to test the authenticity of one’s love for God” (Jeannie Ewing “St. John of the Cross & The Dark Night”). This can cause all kinds of doubts, and it can also bring about inner despair and spiritual anguish. According to Saint John of the Cross, the dark night of the soul purifies in two ways – one of an external result, and the other an internal result.
    An external stripping of the physical frills of the faith teaches one to detach from earthly things. “Liturgical practices, sacramental symbols, aids to prayer, books on personal fulfillment, private devotional exercises – all of these become as mere ashes in our hands” (Richard J. Foster, “Find the Heart’s True Home” (21)). This external purgation is also called a “night of the senses.” “While God communicates His light and love, the soul, imperfect as it is, is incapable of receiving them, and experiences them as darkness, pain, dryness, and emptiness” (Brian Kolodiejchuk, Mother Teresa – “Come Be My Light” (22)).
    The inner stripping, also called the “night of the spirit,” is perhaps the more painful of the two purgations. This causes one to experience desolation in their interior life and prayer. They undergo a sense of complete rejection and abandonment by God. This may also cause doubt about personal motivation. One will begin to wonder whether an “act or that thought is inspired by fear, vanity, and arrogance rather than faith, hope, and love” (Foster). Something especially trying about the dark night of the spirit is that even though one seeks only love for and from God, they may be unable to recognize this love (either for God or from God). Prayer becomes extremely difficult, impossible almost, but “by means of this painful purification, the disciple is lead to total detachment from all created things and to a lofty degree of union with Christ, becoming a fit instrument in his hands and serving him purely and disinterestedly” (Kolodiejchuk). A dark night is truly a loss of all pleasure in the things of God.

    Depression, on the other hand, is a mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life. Chemical imbalances in the brain that control mood or stress levels are a major cause of depression. According to the NIH, experiencing some of the following symptoms for at least two weeks can be a sign of depression:

    • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
    • Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism
    • Irritability
    • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
    • Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
    • Decreased energy or fatigue
    • Moving or talking more slowly
    • Feeling restless or having trouble sitting still
    • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
    • Difficulty sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
    • Appetite and/or weight changes
    • Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
    • Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause and/or that do not ease even with treatment

     A dark night of the soul and depression can become extremely hard to tell apart, as they can both be experienced together. That being said, a dark night and depression are fundamentally very different.  Kevin Culligen wrote a chapter in the book Carmelite Spirituality, in which he states that “in the dark night of spirit, there is painful awareness of one’s own incompleteness and imperfection in relation to God; however, one seldom utters morbid statements of abnormal guilt, self-loathing, worthlessness, and suicidal ideation that accompany serious depressive episodes.” Culligan also mentions how depression affects relationships, while a dark night does not. You sometimes can tell a depressed person by looking at or talking to them. It is much more difficult to detect a person undergoing a dark night of the soul. And while a dark night may cause inner despair and grief, it does not produce physical symptoms, as depression may. Depression, as explained by psychologist Paula Bloom, is “persistently not being able to put the existential realities aside to live and enjoy life, engage those around us or take care of ourselves…” A dark night does not cause this paralyzed state of mind in regards to life. Emily Stimpson states this well – “while depression weighs down both body and soul, eventually rendering those who suffer from it unable to go about the normal business of their life, throughout the dark night, the spirit stays strong, and those suffering through it can perform great works of charity and service.”

    If one has been diagnosed with clinical depression, and the Lord has also decided to hide Himself spiritually from that person, how do you tell the distinction between the two? While a dark night typically enables one to still be energized in their faith, the depressive aspect will remove this from them. It seems that the lines become very blurred when this happens. And although a dark night of the soul typically wouldn’t be the cause of depression, if one is already prone to depression it may become a contributing factor to a depressive state.

    This makes it even more important to have a full understanding of both of these types of sufferings. This can enable a person who may be experiencing both why they are feeling the way that they are – both spiritually and physically. This is a very extreme type of darkness and suffering. Yet God enables His children to bring light even out of the darkest places. As Pope Saint John Paul II states in his book Salvifici Doloris, God the Father in Christ Jesus is “the duality of a single personal subject of redemptive suffering” in which God took human suffering upon Himself, while at the same time enabling the human person to engage in redemptive suffering through the humanity of Jesus. Therefore, we know that God has brought Himself into suffering, meaning that He is with us even in our darkest hours.

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  • Kelsey's Posts

    For Those Seeking Light

    July 31, 2019

    This post discusses my experience as a Catholic who suffers from mental illness. I include my own experiences and the things that were of great help for me. As a preface to this post, I think it is important to discuss mental illness as a whole.

    Mental illness is an extremely complicated and confusing thing. It is very foreign for those that do not experience it themselves. Some of those who do not experience issues with mental illness may think or tell you that they understand it. I sure as heck did not realize how little I understood it until I experienced it for myself. We all have bad days and experience times of sorrow. But Clinical Depression is so much more than that. Being anxious sometimes is not the same as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Physiologically, they are caused by abnormal activity of neural circuits. Those who suffer these disorders do not choose to. Therefore, these disorders are not things that can be willed away. The ways that depression and anxiety make one feel are not the fault of the one suffering from this illness. Telling someone with these disorders to “perk up” or to “stop being lazy” or to just “calm down” is like telling someone with diabetes to “just lower your own blood sugar.” Encountering people denying my mental illness and looking at me poorly because of what I was struggling with, made coping with this illness so much harder. I would often wish for some sort of physical illness or harm to befall me, just so that others would see that I was truly not well. And no one should have to get to that point. There is obviously a stigma with mental illness still, and shedding light on these issues (I hope) can help eliminate some of these poor approaches to it.

    Now that we got that out of the way, on to the topic I really want to discuss: The relationship between mental illness and Christianity.

    The last few years have been a major battle between my spiritual life and my mental health. It’s been a battle between mind and soul. Depression is so deceptive, and for me, a lot of the lies it was forcing into my head were lies about my spirituality. It was constantly telling me that my depression meant that I had a poor relationship with Christ. I mean, if I really know and am close to Christ, I should not be feeling or thinking the things that I am. He tells me to not be anxious. He is the reason for my hope and my joy. So if I have anxiety and depression, I must not be in good standing with my Father. These thoughts tormented me constantly. No matter how much I prayed for the Lord’s help, or how much I begged for Him to take these struggles away and help me to grow closer to Him – it only seemed to get worse and worse. Until praying often ended with me having a panic attack.

    At this point, it seemed that God had completely given up on me. He abandoned me and kept me at a distance, separated from Him.

    This was my spiritual life until the depression and anxiety decreased. As I was doing better, I began to realize how wrong I was. How wrong it is to think that the things that these illnesses will cause you to think and feel are somehow connected to your relationship with God. These chemical imbalances have nothing to do with the strength of your spiritual life. In the midst of fighting my way out of all this, I was actually told by someone close to me that they thought depression and anxiety had to do with spiritual weakness. This was a jab to my heart in the very spot that was most vulnerable. This person mentioned some healing from anxiety that they received once they fully received their Christian faith. This healing that they received is wonderful and beautiful, and I want to ensure you that it is possible for Christ to heal afflictions like mental health. But this doesn’t mean that all mental health coincides with one’s spiritual life. And the distinction between what I was feeling because of my mental health, and the truth about my spirituality was something I wish I had been told sooner.

    In the Catholic world, the typical response to mental health is the suggestion of praying more, making sure you’re going to Mass and confession enough, or just avoiding the subject altogether. Yes, increasing prayer and sacraments is very much needed in the healing process. But for me, and I know many others, these things are not enough to heal the illness. Yes, we need to be striving to grow and strengthen our spiritual life, but we also need to be taking steps to heal our bodies. If we break a leg, we don’t go to confession to heal the bone. We go to the doctor who will give us the treatment necessary for this injury to heal. Prayer and sacraments should not be approached as a way to cure mental health, although they can be extremely helpful in coping, and they are definitely the only things that gave me the strength to get through the healing process. Just as you’d go to a doctor for a broken leg, it is necessary to see a psychiatrist who can give you the treatment that you need.

    Some quick tips that were of great help for me:

    • Do not identify yourself with your mental illness. Your depression or anxiety is not a part of who you are. Try to remove this mindset of “I am depressed” or “I am anxious.” If you had cancer, you wouldn’t say “I am cancer.” You have an illness, and that illness is not a part of who you are as a person. When you start to identify yourself with your mental illness and view it as part of who you are, you will not be able to heal from it. You won’t want to. I fully understand this paradoxical pull towards depression that one can experience. It becomes familiar and seemingly safe. Break away from the temptation of holding on to this illness as if it is a part of you.
    • Spiritual readings were very helpful for me. Understanding the disorders you are struggling with, in light of your faith, is incredibly important. Some books I recommend include;  “Unworried” by Gregory Popcak, “The Problem of Pain” by C.S Lewis, or “Wandering in Darkness” by Eleonore Stump. These books all do a great job of looking at pain and mental illness in light of the faith, and they definitely helped me try to answer the tough question of why God allows these kinds of suffering. 
    • I would also highly suggest finding a psychiatrist that is good for you. Medication is another thing that seems to be looked down upon, but it is very necessary in a lot of cases. It was the most crucial aspect of healing for me. Once I found the right medication, learning to cope became so much more doable. I know it’s tempting to think that needing to rely on medication is in some way a failure (I still struggle with this a lot), but sometimes it’s a necessary part of keeping this illness under control. Just as one with diabetes needs insulin, some of those with mental health need the right medication.

    Mental illness and these difficulties that I have described are still major battles in my life – and probably will be for a long time. I just want to share some of the things that make this uphill climb harder, in hopes that it would help either you yourself, or those around you to see mental illness as it is – an illness.

    As always, if you or someone you know struggles with mental illness, please know that you are not alone and that I am here for you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or someone you love if you are in need of talking to someone about this.

    Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers, 

    With Love,
    Kelsey

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