This post discusses my experience as a Catholic who suffers from mental illness. I include my own experiences and the things that were of great help for me. As a preface to this post, I think it is important to discuss mental illness as a whole.
Mental illness is an extremely complicated and confusing thing. It is very foreign for those that do not experience it themselves. Some of those who do not experience issues with mental illness may think or tell you that they understand it. I sure as heck did not realize how little I understood it until I experienced it for myself. We all have bad days and experience times of sorrow. But Clinical Depression is so much more than that. Being anxious sometimes is not the same as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Physiologically, they are caused by abnormal activity of neural circuits. Those who suffer these disorders do not choose to. Therefore, these disorders are not things that can be willed away. The ways that depression and anxiety make one feel are not the fault of the one suffering from this illness. Telling someone with these disorders to “perk up” or to “stop being lazy” or to just “calm down” is like telling someone with diabetes to “just lower your own blood sugar.” Encountering people denying my mental illness and looking at me poorly because of what I was struggling with, made coping with this illness so much harder. I would often wish for some sort of physical illness or harm to befall me, just so that others would see that I was truly not well. And no one should have to get to that point. There is obviously a stigma with mental illness still, and shedding light on these issues (I hope) can help eliminate some of these poor approaches to it.
Now that we got that out of the way, on to the topic I really want to discuss: The relationship between mental illness and Christianity.
The last few years have been a major battle between my spiritual life and my mental health. It’s been a battle between mind and soul. Depression is so deceptive, and for me, a lot of the lies it was forcing into my head were lies about my spirituality. It was constantly telling me that my depression meant that I had a poor relationship with Christ. I mean, if I really know and am close to Christ, I should not be feeling or thinking the things that I am. He tells me to not be anxious. He is the reason for my hope and my joy. So if I have anxiety and depression, I must not be in good standing with my Father. These thoughts tormented me constantly. No matter how much I prayed for the Lord’s help, or how much I begged for Him to take these struggles away and help me to grow closer to Him – it only seemed to get worse and worse. Until praying often ended with me having a panic attack.
At this point, it seemed that God had completely given up on me. He abandoned me and kept me at a distance, separated from Him.
This was my spiritual life until the depression and anxiety decreased. As I was doing better, I began to realize how wrong I was. How wrong it is to think that the things that these illnesses will cause you to think and feel are somehow connected to your relationship with God. These chemical imbalances have nothing to do with the strength of your spiritual life. In the midst of fighting my way out of all this, I was actually told by someone close to me that they thought depression and anxiety had to do with spiritual weakness. This was a jab to my heart in the very spot that was most vulnerable. This person mentioned some healing from anxiety that they received once they fully received their Christian faith. This healing that they received is wonderful and beautiful, and I want to ensure you that it is possible for Christ to heal afflictions like mental health. But this doesn’t mean that all mental health coincides with one’s spiritual life. And the distinction between what I was feeling because of my mental health, and the truth about my spirituality was something I wish I had been told sooner.
In the Catholic world, the typical response to mental health is the suggestion of praying more, making sure you’re going to Mass and confession enough, or just avoiding the subject altogether. Yes, increasing prayer and sacraments is very much needed in the healing process. But for me, and I know many others, these things are not enough to heal the illness. Yes, we need to be striving to grow and strengthen our spiritual life, but we also need to be taking steps to heal our bodies. If we break a leg, we don’t go to confession to heal the bone. We go to the doctor who will give us the treatment necessary for this injury to heal. Prayer and sacraments should not be approached as a way to cure mental health, although they can be extremely helpful in coping, and they are definitely the only things that gave me the strength to get through the healing process. Just as you’d go to a doctor for a broken leg, it is necessary to see a psychiatrist who can give you the treatment that you need.
Some quick tips that were of great help for me:
- Do not identify yourself with your mental illness. Your depression or anxiety is not a part of who you are. Try to remove this mindset of “I am depressed” or “I am anxious.” If you had cancer, you wouldn’t say “I am cancer.” You have an illness, and that illness is not a part of who you are as a person. When you start to identify yourself with your mental illness and view it as part of who you are, you will not be able to heal from it. You won’t want to. I fully understand this paradoxical pull towards depression that one can experience. It becomes familiar and seemingly safe. Break away from the temptation of holding on to this illness as if it is a part of you.
- Spiritual readings were very helpful for me. Understanding the disorders you are struggling with, in light of your faith, is incredibly important. Some books I recommend include; “Unworried” by Gregory Popcak, “The Problem of Pain” by C.S Lewis, or “Wandering in Darkness” by Eleonore Stump. These books all do a great job of looking at pain and mental illness in light of the faith, and they definitely helped me try to answer the tough question of why God allows these kinds of suffering.
- I would also highly suggest finding a psychiatrist that is good for you. Medication is another thing that seems to be looked down upon, but it is very necessary in a lot of cases. It was the most crucial aspect of healing for me. Once I found the right medication, learning to cope became so much more doable. I know it’s tempting to think that needing to rely on medication is in some way a failure (I still struggle with this a lot), but sometimes it’s a necessary part of keeping this illness under control. Just as one with diabetes needs insulin, some of those with mental health need the right medication.
Mental illness and these difficulties that I have described are still major battles in my life – and probably will be for a long time. I just want to share some of the things that make this uphill climb harder, in hopes that it would help either you yourself, or those around you to see mental illness as it is – an illness.
As always, if you or someone you know struggles with mental illness, please know that you are not alone and that I am here for you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or someone you love if you are in need of talking to someone about this.
Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers,
With Love,
Kelsey
