Woundedness & Healing

Healing. This word has taken up the majority of my thoughts this semester so far. It has been the main theme in not only my daily prayer, but in homilies, various talks, conversations with friends, books I am reading… I just can’t seem to escape it! Because this has been on my mind so much, it’s obviously the only topic I could think to write about for this post. So I’d like to share a little bit of what I’ve learned so far on the topic of suffering, woundedness, and healing. 

In my last post, I wrote about my experience at Seek. And I mentioned the Lord revealing to me the woundedness of my heart. I had an idea of what I thought that wound was… but little did I know, that was only the tip of the iceberg. Getting back to school, the Lord very quickly began to reveal more wounds. I did not realize that I even had wounds… I mean I had a hard time coming up with just the one during Seek! And then all of a sudden the Lord released an avalanche that swept me up and buried me with its weight. The pressure of all the wounds I felt caused so much pain, and I could feel more and more continue to pile on top of my chest. There was a very intense week where the Lord revealed some very deep and excruciating wounds. I was very overwhelmed. Yet at the same time, I have been experiencing a feeling of closeness with Christ that I’ve never felt before. Every time I began to feel that it was too much to handle, Jesus stepped in and reminded me of His presence. He has loved me in some very incredible ways that I hope to share soon. But even with feeling the Father doting on me in very tangible ways, it didn’t take away how much pain and suffering I was experiencing. This was creating a lot of dissonance in my mind. How is it that I can feel so close to God right now, yet so terrible…?

Say you wanted to get a portrait photo taken. You don’t want to be in direct sunlight, as that reveals every flaw and blemish on your face. You would much rather prefer to take that photo in indirect or artificial lighting. I read a Gospel reflection from Bishop Robert Barron in which he said, “Think of what happens when you suddenly shine a light into a dark corner in your basement or down a lonely alley. The bugs and the vermin reveal themselves. Unsavory things scurry about for cover, afraid of the light. When you invite Jesus into your life, you are inviting the light into your life. This is wonderful, but also frightening. Jesus will shine His light in every corner of your life, in every room of your house. Things that look ok in the dark or indirect light will suddenly stand out in all their unpleasantness.” Reading this, everything suddenly made sense. My closeness with Christ is going to reveal everything that needs work in my life. This was the first step I took towards healing. I realized I had wounds, acknowledged those wounds to God, and decided that they need to be fixed.

A priest told me this analogy about Christ being a divine physician. If you look at a wound like an inflected sliver that needs to be taken out, the first step is giving your doctor access to that wound. Next, you have to let him get in there. To dig into the wound, maybe even to cut more skin, and to trust that he is doing what’s best for you, and it is what you need to get better. It’s going to hurt. A lot. But there is a time during healing where you just have to let it hurt. You need to give the Lord access to your wounds. Offer them up to the Lord, have trust in Him and His careful hands, and have faith in His good intentions for you.

One of the wounds that was recently brought up that I’ve been struggling a lot with has to do with my past depression. Thinking back to my lowest point, and remembering how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and the complete darkness of where I was at. This was incredibly difficult, as I don’t like having to think about that place. But the Lord wanted me to because He knew that I was deeply wounded because of it – even though I didn’t realize it. I began to question why God let me go through that, to feel the things I felt, and think the things that I did. All I really needed to hear at that point was for someone to tell me that what I went through was not good, and that it wasn’t something that the Lord wanted for me. However, He allowed it in order to bring good out of it – even if I don’t know what that good is yet. It’s important to know that suffering in and of itself is not good, and it is not a gift. It is not something that God wills for us. Jesus, after His scourging, was thrown into a deep, dark pit, where He sat alone, knowing He was undeservedly going to be crucified the next day. Suffering sucks, but guess what, Jesus knows that! He knows that personally because He experienced it. He knows what we are going through. And because of that, if we unite our suffering to Christ’s, we can grow closer to His heart and love. 

My spiritual advisor told me this, and I think it sums up what I’ve learned about healing thus far very well: “It is not by sidestepping or fleeing from suffering that we are healed, but rather by our capacity for accepting it, maturing through it, and finding meaning through union with Christ, who suffered with infinite love.” Healing is a process – a process I have honestly only just begun. It’s gonna take a lot of time, and it’s going to hurt, but I know the good that the Lord is doing in my heart, and I am ready to take on the task ahead. If there is something that needs healing in your life, give it to the Lord. Don’t let your wounds fester and get worse. The Lord wants your heart, and He will offer you His in return. We need to learn to let go of our fears, and accept the love that Christ is offering.